LFS: The Storyteller

©2009 by LeeZard We are in a recession of nearly historic proportions and something keeps telling me to write about it. The problem is, nothing new comes to mind. Experts and non-experts with far more economic expertise than LeeZard have written ad-nauseum about this sorry state of affairs. I have a solution. I’ve always said “LeeZard has a lyric for everything (usually someone else’s).” Let’s go to work shall we. See how many tunes you can name without looking at the footnotes. ---------------------- 1.  The place I go to draw my pay, Closed the door on me today. Told me just to stay away, And don't come back again. 2.  Project cancelled Tumbling central Red money. 3.  They used to tell me I was building a dream With peace and glory ahead. Why should I be standing in line Just waiting for bread? 4.  Now thems were hard times back in the eighties boy People barely had enough to get by. Oh not me footloose and fancy free There was nothin' to myself I'd deny. But fellas list...

©2009 By LeeZard Many of you might be wondering, “Where have you been, LeeZard?” Many others probably don’t give a damn. Whatever. I have a note from my doctor. It seems my back surgery of November 24, 2008 was merely an appetizer. The gods of back pain were not through with me. About a month after surgery, I made the silly assumption that I’d be able to resume some semblance of a normal life. So, when the Pacific Northwest was hit by a series of uncharacteristic snowstorms that left nearly a foot of white stuff outside Chateau LeeZard, I didn’t hesitate to pick up a snow shovel – and that 50-pound bag of sand. BIG mistake. Two days later, when a car got stuck in a snowdrift outside of The World’s Best Girlfriend’s (TWBGF) house, I likewise dove right in with a snow shovel. Second BIG mistake. Later that evening my back was a little sore. The next morning I was back to big time back pain. To quote my latest hero, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, “Holy crap!” This was different than the pain ...

©2005 by LeeZard NOTE: I wrote this after coming home from the "all-years" reunion for Andrew Jackson High School in Queens, NY. They were closing the high school and replacing it - in the building - with four magnet programs. It was my first ever reunion and it had a profound impact. A shorter version of this essay appeared in New York Newsday. The Corner I didn’t even know I had to get back to The Corner. When I got there, even after more than 30 years, it was as if I’d never left. There has been “a corner” in all our lives—a store or mall; a diner or restaurant; a place for teenagers to go to when there’s nothing to do—or, something terribly important. For me, it was the corner of Francis Lewis and Merrick Boulevards in the Laurelton section of Queens — a convergence of time and place. We met at The Corner after school, after dinner, after a date or after a fight with our parents. When I was a teenager there was a floating, ever changing, always connected grou...

©2009 by LeeZar d Shortly after last year's presidential election, LeeZard wrote the following piece. We should've known we'd be updating it soon. In fact, LeeZard is surprised it's taken this long! So, now, please read the updated edition of "The Stupid Politicians Club (SPC)." ----------- Our Motto Move over Elliott Spitzer and Dubya, The Stupid Politicians Club has a new member. In fact, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich may have already earned his place in the Stupid Politicians Hall of I’ve Been Framed.” Sell Barack Obama’s senate seat? You’ve got to be kidding. We all know that this is the norm in Illinois politics and in other Third World countries but this goes beyond stupid. Well, move over again you guys, your newest member was caught with his member in Argentina. Yes, we are talking about South Carolina's esteemed Republican Governor, Mark Sanford. You could almost mistake Sanford for a Democrat, not for his politics but for his particular SPC ...

©2008 by LeeZard Throughout history writers have been trying to define and analyze love, capture it in words and make us feel it in our hearts. LeeZard thinks he'll take a crack at it. “All You Need is Love” "Can't Buy Me Love" "All My Loving" "And I love Her" "P.S. I Love You" "She Loves You (Yeah Yeah Yeah)" The Beatles Not that I fancy myself an expert; quite the opposite. Remember, this is the guy who spent ages 17-51 in some form of chemically or alcoholically altered state. It is unlikely anything I thought was love was really love. That shit messes up your central nervous system, which is where some of that love resides, I’m sure (see "Chemistry of Love" to the right). So, I’m taking this on as a rookie. Hang on; here we go. Ah, so many kinds of love, so little time. For our purposes, let’s talk of romantic love – the best and the worst kind of love. We’ve all been there; we’ve all felt the joys and the pain. “L...

©2008 by LeeZard I may be on the cusp of becoming “an elderly gentleman,” but I’ve never had to deal with chronic pain – until this year. I want to share this experience with you because, by reading this Blog, you are perversely interested in my journey through life. But, I also want to relate my first real experience with managing pain - or not managing pain - via the use of prescribed narcotics. OH MY GAWD!! It started out last February as a dull ache down the back of my legs. I mostly felt it when I awoke in the morning and then a little bit after my daily three-mile power walk with Brando the Wonder Dog (BTWD). “Muscle soreness,” thought I, and tried to ignore it. Three weeks later, the soreness was still there. In fact, it was getting worse, even with a couple of Aleve every 12-hours. Time to call The Doc. I’ve written about Doc before, about how he saved my sorry ass when I was at the deepest level of desperation right before I got sober. One of the reasons I called Doc then was ...

©2008 by LeeZard All Photos ©2008 by LeeZard There’s trouble in paradise – Hawaiian paradise. That’s trouble with a capital “T,” it rhymes with “D” and that stands for DOLLARS. Make that tourist dollars and the trouble is, there aren’t enough tourist dollars flowing into the 50th state, especially Maui. Tourism accounts for up to 70% of Maui’s economy. It is one of the world’s most popular destinations. Conde Nast Traveler readers consistently vote Maui “the best island in the world.” Maui is my favorite of Hawaii’s tourist-popular islands. There is something for everyone. You have Lahaina, the center of tourism with its cruise ship harbor, funky shops, hip clubs, galleries and restaurants; Ka’anapali to the north with its high-end condo resorts, hotels and the upscale shoppers’ mall, Whalers Village; and, Kihei to the south with Ma’alaea Bay, its collection of various tour boats and the island’s absolutely fabulous aquarium. If you want to escape the regular Maui tourism haunts, ther...