Saturday, May 2, 2015

Oldies for Oldies


©2015 by LeeZard

An old high school pal recently re-posted on Facebook, “Some of the artists of the 60's (or their estates) are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.” She proceeded to add a pretty funny list from the original post, along with a few of her own (and from other friends).

Of course LeeZard jumped right in and kept on swimming. Below is my random list. Feel free to comment and add your own.

·       ABBA --- Aching Queen
·       Beatles --- I Don’t Feel Fine/I Saw Her Lying There/I Wanna Hold Your Gland/Yellow Hematoma
·       Johnny Nash --- I Can Cialis Now

·       Rolling Stones --- Let's Spend Social Security Together/Sympathy for the Surgeon
·       Bette Midler --- Wind Beneath My Jeans/I’m Wrinkled Dammit/Do You Wanna Limp
·       Mamas & Papas --- I Forgot Your Name
·       Queen --- Crazy Little Thing Called Arthritis
·       Three Dog Night --- Easy to be Sick/Doctor's Comin'
Billy Joel --- Making a Scene at an Italian Restaurant/A Matter of No Lust/River of Pee
·       Jackson Browne --- Takin' It Queazy
·       Bob Seger --- Night Chills/Against Passing Wind
·       Sonny & Cher --- Baby Please Don’t Go (To the Bathroom Again)
·       Crosby, Stills & Nash --- Move in With Your Children/Sweat for Judy Blue Eyes/Wooden Legs
·       Ten Years After --- I'm Going Into a Home
·       Shirelles --- Will You Still Hear Me Tomorrow
·       Moody Blues --- Nights With No Statins/ I'm Just a Singer in the Coroner's Van
·       Smokey Robinson & The Miracles --- It Was Just My Indigestion/Flop Around
·       Four Tops --- Can't Feed Myself
·       Creedence Clearwater Revival --- Bad Bile Rising/Limping out my Back Door
·       Bruce Springsteen --- Pink Cataracts/Cataract Ranch/Human Crutch/Raise Your Pants/Tenth Avenue Pharmacy/Throwin’ Up
·       Sam Cooke --- Pain Gang
·       Derek and the Dominos --- Fat Bottom Blues
·       Boxtops --- Pee Like a Baby
·       Van Morrisson --- One Eyed Girl
·       Lloyd Price --- Staggerin’ Me
·       Ricky Nelson --- Poor Little Stool Sample
·       Simon & Garfunkle --- Bridge Over Troubled Bladder/I am in Shock
·       Mason Williams --- Classic Gas
·       Danny & the Juniors --- At the Emergency Room/Kidney Stones are Here to Stay
·       The Monkees --- Wrinkle Cream Believer
·       Elvis Presley --- Shake, Rattle & Crawl/Old Folks Hotel
·       Beach Boys --- Don't Hurry Baby/Let’s go Burping/Little Dark Poop
·       The Doors --- Fight My Piles/Roadhouse Restrooms
·       Ray Charles --- Here We Go (To the Hospital) Again
·       Dave "Baby" Cortez --- The Unhappy Organ
·       Harry Nillson - Jump Into the Pyre/Everybody’s Dyin’
  Bob Dylan --- Positively False Teeth/I Can’t Stand Maggie’s Farts No More
·       Chambers Bros --- I Can't Turn You Over
·       Tom Petty --- I Won't Black Out
·       Fats Domino --- I'm In Pain Again/Blueberry Pill
·       The Rascals --- I've Been Constipated Too Long/Poopin’
·       Ramsey Lewis Trio ---- The Old Crowd
·       The Kingsmen --- Gooey Gooey
·       Steven Stills --- Find the One You're With
·       Bobby Darin --- Under the Knife
·       Rod Stewart --- Maggie May Not /Every Scar Tells a Story
·       Delaney & Bonnie --- Never Ending Transfusion For You
·       The Crystals --- Then He Pissed on Me
·       Chuck Berry --- Johnny Be Old
·       Jackson Browne --- Doctor My Eyes!!
Guess Who This Is
·       Warren Zevon --- Johnny Fucks Up a Gland
·       Jerry Butler --- He Can’t See You
·       Jerry Lee Lewis --- Great Balls On Fire/Too Much Shakin’ Goin On
·       Johnny Cash --- Ring of Fire: My Piles are Killin’ Me
·       The Dovells --- You Can’t Sit Down; Your Piles are Killing You
·       Johnny Mathis --- It’s Not For Me to Decay
·       Mamas & Papas --- I Call Your Doctor
·       Pointer Sisters --- I’m So Bloated
·       Supremes --- Where Did Our Kids Go
·       Little Anthony and the Imperials --- Teeth on My Pillow

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

In Search of the Commerce Comet

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©1992 by LeeZard

"Mickey wasn't known as a baseball player when he was growin' up here."

It was a quiet Sunday afternoon in the cramped storefront office that serves as the Commerce, Oklahoma, Police Department. The sergeant on duty was a precious link to my boyhood hero's past. 

"Mick was really a great football player in junior high school."


Mickey Mantle's boyhood home in Commerce, OK

I had driven to this small, dusty town in the northeast corner of Oklahoma to just experience the place where Mickey Mantle grew up. I don't know what I expected to find, but I was quite surprised at what I didn't find.

The only business open on this lazy winter church-going Sunday was the 7-11. I was looking for anything that proclaimed this as, "Commerce, Oklahoma: Boyhood Home of Mickey Mantle!" To my shock, dismay and disappointment I could find no such treasure. In fact, except for the name "Mickey Mantle Boulevard" on State Route 69 that skirts “downtown” Commerce, there was no recognition that this was, indeed, the hometown of one of America's beloved baseball icons. I became determined to find out why.

I turned down Main Street, looking for anyone who might shed some light on this historic omission. As I drove through town I was overcome by something more than Sunday quiet and solitude. I knew from reading about Mantle's life of the nearby copper mines in which he vowed never to work and die. And now, driving past the sun bleached, sandblasted stores of Commerce, I understood why he fled.

The only thing open on Main Street was the police station and, in my quest for ANYTHING that said Commerce, OK, on it, I entered and asked for a blank sheet of letterhead. I ended up spending almost an hour talking with the desk sergeant and it was here I learned of the long-standing grudge Mickey Charles Mantle held against the city fathers of Commerce.

It's funny how something simple—a mere misunderstanding—can have Life-long implications. It seems the town of Commerce was planning to build a new Little League baseball field and the idea was to name it for Mickey Mantle. "The Mick" had other ideas; he wanted it named for his father, Mutt Mantle.


The Mantle Family. That's Mutt on the far left
Mutt was the reason Mickey became a ballplayer. After working the copper mines everyday Mutt would take Mickey out after dinner and throw grounder after grounder at the young man (Mickey actually began his baseball career as an infielder). Mutt, like most of the Mantle men, died relatively young of Hodgekins Disease and, according to my new friend at the Commerce Police Department, Mickey wanted the town to honor his dad.

It's not clear whether the powers-that-be first agreed and then reneged, or if they flat out refused. The bottom line: there was to be no Mutt Mantle Field and, when Mickey was invited back "home" for the ground breaking ceremony his reply reportedly was, "I left nothin' in Commerce, Oklahoma, and have no reason to go back there." The town fathers, in return, took down the big fundraising billboard with Mickey's name on it. Mickey, in apparent retaliation, settled across the state line in nearby Joplin, Missouri, and that was that.

After my visit to Commerce, and up until the time Mickey became fatally ill, I called my hero’s agent regularly to try and get Mantle’s side of the story. He never returned my calls and I never learned if “The Commerce Comet” made peace with his boyhood home town.