The Nature of Love
©2008 by LeeZard
Throughout history writers have been trying to define and analyze love, capture it in words and make us feel it in our hearts. LeeZard thinks he'll take a crack at it.
“All You Need is Love”
"Can't Buy Me Love"
"All My Loving"
"And I love Her"
"P.S. I Love You"
"She Loves You (Yeah Yeah Yeah)"
The Beatles
Not that I fancy myself an expert; quite the opposite. Remember, this is the guy who spent ages 17-51 in some form of chemically or alcoholically altered state. It is unlikely anything I thought was love was really love. That shit messes up your central nervous system, which is where some of that love resides, I’m sure (see "Chemistry of Love" to the right). So, I’m taking this on as a rookie. Hang on; here we go.
Ah, so many kinds of love, so little time. For our purposes, let’s talk of romantic love – the best and the worst kind of love. We’ve all been there; we’ve all felt the joys and the pain.
“Love Me or Leave Me”
Doris Day & James Cagney
“Good Lovin’”
Young Rascals
“Love Hurts”
Jon Bon Jovi
Not only are there many types of love – brotherly love, platonic love, self-love, (p)maternal love – there are likewise many shades of romantic love. LeeZard has tasted them all. Some tasted better than others but, hopefully, I’ve learned from each experience.
“Love and Friendship”
Jane Austen
Let’s put something to rest, though, right at the top. LeeZard isn’t so sure that lust is a type of love – unless you love sex but that's a whole different kettle of condoms. What do you think? I know I’ve been in lust way more than I’ve been in love. How can I tell? It’s that feeling of “get me outta here” immediately after the last orgasm. Ultimately it is an unsatisfying relationship.
I knew long before I got sober that whatever love there was in what passed for my marriage was long gone. But, how could I know if it was truly love to begin with considering my spiritual and emotional bankruptcy.
Yet, through the chemical haze over the years I was certainly touched by love. Unfortunately, I never had the tools to deal with it. I didn’t know how to properly accept it and I certainly didn’t know how to return it in a healthy manner. In fact, I’ve probably killed more love than many people ever experience. Even after I got sober it took me another eight years to learn how to be in a real loving relationship – but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
“Love’s Labours Lost”
Shakespeare
So let’s run down the list of LeeZard Love:
• First Love – We were both 15. She was my first French Kiss, my first hand-to-bra caress, a regular source of sticky post-hump underwear and, right before we broke up, my first touch of that most mystical (to a hormone-driven teenager) of all secret places.
• Chaste Love – If you’re a young guy, chaste rhymes with waste. With maturity comes wisdom.
• Chased Love – That’s when her Mom and Dad come home earlier than you expected.
• Unrequited Love ("Unrequited love's a bore and I got it pretty bad....." The Mamas and The Papas) – Let us count the ways. Whether it was shyness and I never even made the approach or just plain rejection; it still hurt like hell. But not like….
• Lost Love – Is there anything more painful – young or old?
• Unwanted Love – A different kind of pain. And, as a guy, you can be sure I handled it poorly.
• Long-Distance Love – Safe for the commitment-averse.
• Cyber Love – See above entry.
• January-September love – I’m not talking about the calendar and everyone should experience it at least once. It makes the old feel young and the young learn so much about themselves – and life.
• Gay Love – LeeZard’s never tried it but if both parties are at peace with their sexuality I know, in the face of all the obstacles, it’s something to be cherished.
• Forbidden Love – Danger, thrills, disaster.
• Toxic Love – Everyone gets hurt.
• Real Love - ?????
“How Do I Love Thee?”
Browning
“The Art of Love”
Ovid
I divorced after 25-years of marriage. For 18 of those years I was a practicing alcoholic and she was my enabler. Over the last seven years we drifted further and further apart as I learned how to live a sober life while she could never forgive those first 18-years. It is not an uncommon outcome. At the age of 58 I was suddenly “single.”
As often happens under such circumstances there is Rebound Love and wow did LeeZard rebound. I’d been friendly over the years with a co-worker who had her own unhappy marriage. We felt more comfortable sharing things with each other than with our spouses. She divorced shortly after me (hopefully not for me) and a latent torrid love affair flamed into existence.
This led to Co-Dependent (CD) Love, which I found out, isn’t that far from Toxic Love. The only difference is the two CD principals aren’t purposely trying to emotionally destroy each other. In CD Love, each person will do anything for the other even if it’s at his or her own expense. Gee, sounds a lot like drug addiction, doesn’t it?
“Addicted to Love”
Robert Palmer
After two years in the rebound/CD relationship we parted. It was her call and I mourned it like a death (see Lost Love) even though I could see it coming for months. Part of the co-dependency, you see, is doing anything – ANYTHING – to try and make it work even when you know in every place but your heart that it’s over.
But, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes of that flaming CD Love, LeeZard was forced to learn and grow. After many years of urging from my AA sponsor, I started going to Al-anon meetings and working the 12-steps from the Al-anon perspective. I never got it before when my sponsor would say, “Al-anon is about relationships.” By the time I dragged my broken heart into my first Al-anon meeting I was ready to listen.
For the uninitiated, Al-anon is the companion program to AA for the friends and families of alcoholics. In Al-anon, they learn tough love, that their loved one’s drinking is not their fault. They learn that honesty and openness work best, they cannot control others and, most importantly, how to set boundaries for themselves. Those were critical lessons for LeeZard because today I find myself experiencing something entirely new and different, something I’d never be able to deal with if I hadn’t learned through Al-anon. Hell, I don’t even have a name for this type of love and, ya know what? I don’t care.
“The Power of Love”
Huey Lewis & The News
I met her through one of the popular on-line meet-your-match sites – it’s the pick-up bar of the 21st Century. Even though the overall experience was mostly distasteful (Did you know people LIE on those things?), in the end it worked for LeeZard. I was never good at picking up women when I did hang out in bars. It felt dishonest trying to start a conversation with some slick line when what I really wanted to say was, “Hi, will you come home with me tonight and fuck my brains out?”
I had, in fact, cancelled my membership on this site – on all the sites – because I kept meeting women who either didn’t look like the pictures they’d posted or their pictures were 15-years and 40-pounds ago. What are you people thinking? Sooner or later you have to meet in-person and you will be unmasked as the liar you are! As usual, I digress.
When you cancel on those sites, they keep sending you “matches” for several weeks in the hope you’ll reconsider your cancellation. I still glanced at the profiles they sent me and one night something caught my eye. Her picture showed an attractive woman (to my cynical eye) but it was her profile that got me. It was straightforward, showed a little silly humor and a lot of things in common with moi.
“Love Letters”
Jennifer Jones & Joseph Cotton
I dashed off a very brief introductory note with the caution not to reply if the picture was any type of misrepresentation. I got an instant response basically saying “Let’s cut through all the bullshit and meet for coffee tomorrow.” My kind of woman already.
That was almost 11-months ago. Over that time I’ve meandered from cynicism to being “in like,” through some strange feelings of safety and comfort with a woman, then a little fear as I started to open my heart to the “L” word and finally accepting a kind of love I never thought possible.
While there is plenty of passion in our relationship – we jokingly place ourselves in the “other” column in all sex surveys – there’s never been that burning, desperate neediness of past passionate affairs. Instead, it’s been a gentle, slow-growing, caring, non-judgmental and, I’m starting to believe, enduring love.
Maybe that’s the best kind of love of all.
“How Deep is Your Love?”
BeeGees
“Love Me Tender”
Elvis Presley
NOTE:
Early in my new relationship I wrote the following poem:
http://leezardonlife.blogspot.com/2008/02/two-flowers-in-desert.html
Throughout history writers have been trying to define and analyze love, capture it in words and make us feel it in our hearts. LeeZard thinks he'll take a crack at it.“All You Need is Love”"Can't Buy Me Love"
"All My Loving"
"And I love Her"
"P.S. I Love You"
"She Loves You (Yeah Yeah Yeah)"
The Beatles
Not that I fancy myself an expert; quite the opposite. Remember, this is the guy who spent ages 17-51 in some form of chemically or alcoholically altered state. It is unlikely anything I thought was love was really love. That shit messes up your central nervous system, which is where some of that love resides, I’m sure (see "Chemistry of Love" to the right). So, I’m taking this on as a rookie. Hang on; here we go.Ah, so many kinds of love, so little time. For our purposes, let’s talk of romantic love – the best and the worst kind of love. We’ve all been there; we’ve all felt the joys and the pain.
“Love Me or Leave Me”
Doris Day & James Cagney
“Good Lovin’”
Young Rascals
“Love Hurts”
Jon Bon Jovi
Not only are there many types of love – brotherly love, platonic love, self-love, (p)maternal love – there are likewise many shades of romantic love. LeeZard has tasted them all. Some tasted better than others but, hopefully, I’ve learned from each experience.
“Love and Friendship”
Jane Austen
Let’s put something to rest, though, right at the top. LeeZard isn’t so sure that lust is a type of love – unless you love sex but that's a whole different kettle of condoms. What do you think? I know I’ve been in lust way more than I’ve been in love. How can I tell? It’s that feeling of “get me outta here” immediately after the last orgasm. Ultimately it is an unsatisfying relationship.
I knew long before I got sober that whatever love there was in what passed for my marriage was long gone. But, how could I know if it was truly love to begin with considering my spiritual and emotional bankruptcy.
Yet, through the chemical haze over the years I was certainly touched by love. Unfortunately, I never had the tools to deal with it. I didn’t know how to properly accept it and I certainly didn’t know how to return it in a healthy manner. In fact, I’ve probably killed more love than many people ever experience. Even after I got sober it took me another eight years to learn how to be in a real loving relationship – but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
“Love’s Labours Lost”
Shakespeare
So let’s run down the list of LeeZard Love:• First Love – We were both 15. She was my first French Kiss, my first hand-to-bra caress, a regular source of sticky post-hump underwear and, right before we broke up, my first touch of that most mystical (to a hormone-driven teenager) of all secret places.
• Chaste Love – If you’re a young guy, chaste rhymes with waste. With maturity comes wisdom.
• Chased Love – That’s when her Mom and Dad come home earlier than you expected.
• Unrequited Love ("Unrequited love's a bore and I got it pretty bad....." The Mamas and The Papas) – Let us count the ways. Whether it was shyness and I never even made the approach or just plain rejection; it still hurt like hell. But not like….
• Lost Love – Is there anything more painful – young or old?
• Unwanted Love – A different kind of pain. And, as a guy, you can be sure I handled it poorly.
• Long-Distance Love – Safe for the commitment-averse.
• Cyber Love – See above entry.
• January-September love – I’m not talking about the calendar and everyone should experience it at least once. It makes the old feel young and the young learn so much about themselves – and life.
• Gay Love – LeeZard’s never tried it but if both parties are at peace with their sexuality I know, in the face of all the obstacles, it’s something to be cherished.
• Forbidden Love – Danger, thrills, disaster.
• Toxic Love – Everyone gets hurt.
• Real Love - ?????
“How Do I Love Thee?”
Browning
“The Art of Love”
Ovid
I divorced after 25-years of marriage. For 18 of those years I was a practicing alcoholic and she was my enabler. Over the last seven years we drifted further and further apart as I learned how to live a sober life while she could never forgive those first 18-years. It is not an uncommon outcome. At the age of 58 I was suddenly “single.”
As often happens under such circumstances there is Rebound Love and wow did LeeZard rebound. I’d been friendly over the years with a co-worker who had her own unhappy marriage. We felt more comfortable sharing things with each other than with our spouses. She divorced shortly after me (hopefully not for me) and a latent torrid love affair flamed into existence.
This led to Co-Dependent (CD) Love, which I found out, isn’t that far from Toxic Love. The only difference is the two CD principals aren’t purposely trying to emotionally destroy each other. In CD Love, each person will do anything for the other even if it’s at his or her own expense. Gee, sounds a lot like drug addiction, doesn’t it?
“Addicted to Love”
Robert Palmer
After two years in the rebound/CD relationship we parted. It was her call and I mourned it like a death (see Lost Love) even though I could see it coming for months. Part of the co-dependency, you see, is doing anything – ANYTHING – to try and make it work even when you know in every place but your heart that it’s over.
But, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes of that flaming CD Love, LeeZard was forced to learn and grow. After many years of urging from my AA sponsor, I started going to Al-anon meetings and working the 12-steps from the Al-anon perspective. I never got it before when my sponsor would say, “Al-anon is about relationships.” By the time I dragged my broken heart into my first Al-anon meeting I was ready to listen.
For the uninitiated, Al-anon is the companion program to AA for the friends and families of alcoholics. In Al-anon, they learn tough love, that their loved one’s drinking is not their fault. They learn that honesty and openness work best, they cannot control others and, most importantly, how to set boundaries for themselves. Those were critical lessons for LeeZard because today I find myself experiencing something entirely new and different, something I’d never be able to deal with if I hadn’t learned through Al-anon. Hell, I don’t even have a name for this type of love and, ya know what? I don’t care.
“The Power of Love”Huey Lewis & The News
I met her through one of the popular on-line meet-your-match sites – it’s the pick-up bar of the 21st Century. Even though the overall experience was mostly distasteful (Did you know people LIE on those things?), in the end it worked for LeeZard. I was never good at picking up women when I did hang out in bars. It felt dishonest trying to start a conversation with some slick line when what I really wanted to say was, “Hi, will you come home with me tonight and fuck my brains out?”
I had, in fact, cancelled my membership on this site – on all the sites – because I kept meeting women who either didn’t look like the pictures they’d posted or their pictures were 15-years and 40-pounds ago. What are you people thinking? Sooner or later you have to meet in-person and you will be unmasked as the liar you are! As usual, I digress.
When you cancel on those sites, they keep sending you “matches” for several weeks in the hope you’ll reconsider your cancellation. I still glanced at the profiles they sent me and one night something caught my eye. Her picture showed an attractive woman (to my cynical eye) but it was her profile that got me. It was straightforward, showed a little silly humor and a lot of things in common with moi.
“Love Letters”
Jennifer Jones & Joseph Cotton
I dashed off a very brief introductory note with the caution not to reply if the picture was any type of misrepresentation. I got an instant response basically saying “Let’s cut through all the bullshit and meet for coffee tomorrow.” My kind of woman already.
That was almost 11-months ago. Over that time I’ve meandered from cynicism to being “in like,” through some strange feelings of safety and comfort with a woman, then a little fear as I started to open my heart to the “L” word and finally accepting a kind of love I never thought possible.
While there is plenty of passion in our relationship – we jokingly place ourselves in the “other” column in all sex surveys – there’s never been that burning, desperate neediness of past passionate affairs. Instead, it’s been a gentle, slow-growing, caring, non-judgmental and, I’m starting to believe, enduring love.
Maybe that’s the best kind of love of all.
“How Deep is Your Love?”
BeeGees
“Love Me Tender”
Elvis Presley
NOTE:
Early in my new relationship I wrote the following poem:
http://leezardonlife.blogspot.com/2008/02/two-flowers-in-desert.html
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