Greetings From a Nursing Home in Asbury Park, New Jersey

©2014 By LeeZard


FLASH!!!
In a recent interview with AARP Magazine, Bruce Springsteen revealed that he is reworking the lyrics of some of his classic songs to reflect his aging and that of his fans. LeeZard has gained exclusive access to these lyrics (and the cover art!) with no permission to publish brief snippets.

Leezard has also learned the new songs will be released this summer on a new album entitled “Greetings From a Nursing Home in Asbury Park, New Jersey.” Here we go!
 
Cataract Ranch
Cataract, cataract
Blurry and dark, things are going black,
Open up my eyes, trying to see more
Oh my god they’re tearing, I feel like a dinosaur.



Pee All Night
When I lost my prostate honey sometimes I think I lost my guts too
And I wish God would send me a libido, send me something I thought I’d never lose
 Lying in the heat of the night like we never made love all our lives
I get shivers down my spine and all I wanna do is keep myself dry.

I swear I'll pee all night, I’ve got the prostate blues
I have to leave your tender arms.
And I just gotta pee all night or else I’ll do us harm.

Throwin Up
I stood stone-like at midnight, suspended with my irritable bowels
I combed my hair till it was just right and bundled up some towels
I was open to pain and crossed by the rain and I walked on a crooked crutch
I strolled all alone through a nauseous zone and came out with my towels untouched
I hid in the clouded wrath of the crowd, but when they said, "Sit down," I threw up
Ooh... throwin' up.



I’m Goin’ Down
We sit in the car outside your house you're quiet
I can feel hot flashes coming 'round
I go to put my arm around you
And my arthritis tells me you’re way out of bounds
Well you let out one of your bored sighs
Well lately when I look into your eyes
I'm going down, down, down, down
I'm going down, down, down, down, down.



Viagraland
The Rangers had a homecoming
In Harlem late last night
And the Aging Rat drove his rolling chair machine
Over the Jersey state line
Very old girl sitting on the hood of a Dodge
Drinking warm milk in the soft summer rain
The Rat pulls into town hikes up his pants
Together they take a stab at romance
And disappear down Viagra Lane

Well the Maximum Lawmen run down more Viagra
Chasing the Rat and the aging girl
And the oldsters round here look just like shadows
Always quiet, holding hands
From the churches to the jails
Tonight all is silence in the world
As we take our stand
Down in Viagraland



My Body’s in Ruins
There is a blood red circle
On the cold dark ground
And my blood pressure’s falling down
The ER’s door's thrown open
I can hear the organs’ song
But the medical team is gone
My body’s in ruins
My body’s in ruins.




Up All Night
I had my colon cleaned and checked, had her line blown out but it’s achin' like a turbojet
Propped myself up and the bed felt like concrete blocks, I reached for my meds and received a shock
Drank ‘em down with my mouthwash, checked my drawer, there were no more drugs. 
I'm goin' out tonight I'm gonna rock the 24-hour pharmacy.





Yup, That's QE II!
Looking for the Queen of the Supermarket
There's a wonderful world where all you need
And everything you've longed for is hard to grip
Where the bittersweet medicine for your wife is on your list
Where aisles and aisles of lotions and creams await you
And the cool promise of no more dry skin fills the air
At the end of each working day she's waiting there  
I'm looking for the Queen of the Supermarket
As my addled brain turns blue
She’s waiting to help me in aisle number two.



Pile Driver
Rode through forty nights of the hemorrhoid pain
My butt’s like a howlin’ dog
And Preparation H it was in vain
I was down where the itching grows wilder
Baby get me a pile driver.

Well if something on your butt feels a little unkind
Don't worry darlin'
It probably feels like mine
I'll be your gypsy joker your shotgun rider
Baby let me share my pile driver.



Shingles of Fire
When the night's quiet and you don't care anymore,
And your eyes are fried and you can’t stand the pain any more
And you realize you wanna let go
And the weak meds and the cold towels you embrace
Eat at your insides and leave you face to face with
Shingles of fire.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Woodstock, Sort Of.......

Image
©2009 by LeeZard Millions of people will tell you they were at Woodstock in 1969. Only about half-a-million are telling the truth. I am one of them. I was a young (22) Washington, D.C.-based correspondent for a fledgling radio network operated by Metromedia. At the time, Metromedia was the single largest owner of non-network (ABC, CBS & NBC) affiliated radio and TV stations in the country. In those days, by the way, the FCC allowed only a maximum ownership of seven AMs, seven FMs and seven TV stations by a single company. Everyone had heard of this Rock & Roll festival near the small town of Bethel in upstate New York but nobody was prepared for the historic event it would become. On Friday August 15, 1969 I flew to New York City to attend a friend’s Saturday night wedding. At about 6 a.m. Saturday morning the phone rang at my parents’ house (where I was staying). It was my boss in D.C. “It’s a disaster up at that Rock thing in New York – 20-mile long traffic jams; nobody can g...
Read more

BRANDO

Image
©2011 by LeeZard Brando the Wonder Dog died peacefully in my arms at 10:35 PM (PST) on  November 25th, 2011. He was 12-years old. The last words he heard were, “I love you, Brando.” Brando died from an overdose of barbiturates administered by a critical care veterinarian after he was diagnosed with cancer in his shoulder that had spread to his lungs. His chest cavity was filled with blood and fluid; he was slowly suffocating. I had no choice but to put him down. Nonetheless, it was a difficult and wrenching decision.     I wanted to get that part out of the way off the top because I don’t want this to be a maudlin obituary. This is the story of a great and loyal German Shepherd, a dignified and grand old man who lived to love and play. He got plenty of both in the all too brief time we had with him. Brando chose me for adoption in June, 2007, a few months before his eighth birthday. I was looking for a German Shepherd; I knew them to be smart, loyal and protecti...
Read more

Michael Jackson Ain't All That

Image
©2009 by LeeZard LeeZard is already burned out on the Michael Jackson brouhaha. I’m sorry, boys & girls but Michael Jackson isn’t (wasn’t) Elvis. He wasn’t The Beatles or Frank Sinatra. Let’s put aside, for the moment, Jackson’s penchant for diddling little boys, the apparent denial of his Blackness and whatever other “foibles” soiled his fable. As an icon, he doesn’t measure up to the “A” list above. Why? Is Leezard just being contrary? I don’t think so. While MJ fans argue that his record sales are the equal to those of the Beatles and Elvis, the “official” count shows otherwise – by at least a quarter-of-a-million (that will certainly change as MJ sales have skyrocketed since his death). But, anyone can diddle with numbers (much better than diddling with little boys!). Let’s take two examples from my generation and look at the bigger picture, starting with The King (MJ was merely “The King of Pop”). Elvis changed everything. It’s not out of reach to say he jump-started the Rock ...
Read more