Name that Name

©2010 by LeeZard

I’ve always been fascinated by names – people’s names, locales, bands, dogs, cats; you name it (hahaha). Funny names, stupid names, cute names. A name tells you something more than well, the name.

It’s generally believed the Chinese were the first to use surnames, some 3,000 years before the birth of Christ. Unlike most others, however, the Chinese surname goes first, not last. The early Romans used multiple names for a while then dropped the custom.

During the early Middle Ages people were generally known by their given names. But, as more and more Johns and Williams roamed the countryside it probably got confusing so adding a second name became the popular means of sorting it all out. By the 12th Century it was unfashionable to not have a last name.

Different things became last names:
• Your profession – Mason, Miller, etc.
• Your home town
• Your father’s name – Leif Ericsson, for example. The early Israelites began naming their children Shmoil ben (son of) Joshua.
You can read a great article on the history of surnames at http://www.mayrand.org/meaning-e.htm.

With that background let’s enjoy LeeZard’s fascination with names. For example, what profession did the name Lipschitz come from? How about major League Baseball pitcher J.J Putz (he pronounces it like the verb "puts" and I don’t blame him). Then there’s the Yiddish surname Schmuck. Oy Vay! In German the word means Jewel (“family jewels?). It could be based on the polish word Smock (serpent) and that might explain the slang use of Schmuck for penis. How that all evolved into a synonym for idiot in modern slang I don’t know. I like to think LeeZard’s penis is anything but idiotic.

First names are also worthy of attention for a variety of reasons. LeeZard has always wondered why Christians will name a child Christian while he’s never met anyone named Jewish. A very good and credible friend swears she overheard, in a hospital emergency room, a mom call her two boys “le MON jell o” and “or ON jell o.” Yup, named for the ubiquitous jiggly fruit dessert.

In 2004, Buck Wolf wrote a piece for ABC News (Read the entire article at http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/WolfFiles/story?id=116513&page=1):

“Is your child Unique? Many children are, and it says so on their birth certificate. In the last five years, more than 1,000 little girls in the United States have been named Unique — and they're presumably expected to live up to their parents' expectations.

 Baby naming is America's newest creative outlet. When actress Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth Friday to her first child, she and husband Chris Martin proclaimed that the girl would be named Apple Blythe Alison Martin, raising the question: Was the child named after her mom's favorite fruit or her father's laptop computer?

If little Apple Martin does get teased on the playground, let's just hope she one day meets a boy who's Sincere — and that is mathematically possible. Last year, 256 boys were actually named "Sincere," according to Social Security Administration records.

The world hasn't gone completely crazy. The most popular baby names last year were Jacob, Michael and Joshua for boys and Emily, Emma and Madison for girls. However, some of the newest Americans clearly reflect their parents' interests.

For instance, in designer brand-crazy America, you don't have to drive a Lexus to have a Lexus. There were 270 girls named "Lexus" last year, according to the SSA. Another 265 boys were named "Armani."

Alternate spellings are also on the upswing, including Nevaeh (Heaven spelled backward), Canon (like the camera) and Skyy (like the vodka).“

I’ll end with a few more of LeeZard’s all time faves:

Bands (that reached some level of popularity)

1. Jane’s Addiction – Only because in high school LeeZard dated a girl named Jane. We fought every time we went out but dated on and off for about three years. 
2.  Kinky Friedman & the Texas Jewboys - Are we asking for a cross burning on our lawn?
3.  Anthrax - Terrorist Rock?
4. Bad English - I ain’t got no comment.
5. Booker T and the MG’s - Only because it reminds LeeZard of the classic British roadster, even though it really – in this case – stood for Memphis Group.
6. Cheap Trick - LeeZard SWEARS he’s never paid cash for sex. Paid through the nose, maybe.
7. Def Leopard – Probably had a seeing-eye gnu.
8. Doobie Brothers - LeeZard always gets the munchies when he hears a cut by this band.

9. REO Speedwagon – Car nut LeeZard appreciates the group’s respect for history; REO stands for Ransom Eli Olds, founder of the Olds Motor Works (to become GM's Oldsmobile Division) and the REO Speedwagon was actually one of his models.
10. Toad the Wet Sprocket – LeeZard knows that was a Monty Python skit but it sounds so….so obscene.

Locales

   

1. Humptulips – A small town on Washington State’s  Olympic Peninsula. LeeZard has actually been there but has never tried to hump a tulip.
2. Quogue – Indian name for a town on Long Island. LeeZard likes saying it over and over.
3. Boca Raton, FL - Espanol for Mouth of the Rat.
4. Intercourse, PA - Oh, those wild Amish people!
5. Bird-in-Hand, PA – Oh, those lucky Amish people!
6. East and West Egg, LI – Fugitive poachers started these towns in the early 16th century.
7. French Lick, Indiana – Because it’s the home-town of Boston Celtics’ legend Larry Bird, of course!

People LeeZard has actually known (No disrespect meant – this is about names whether we like ‘em or not):

1. Marcia Hertz
2. Mrs. Manbeck – Elementary school principal. Rhymed with Henpeck and she probably did.
3. Robert Schmalz – Yiddish for chicken fat.
4. Steve Dichter – Pronounced dicked-her.
5. Mr. Schnell – Middle school teacher whose name in German means, “Fast.”
6. Judy Winkelstern – What’s not to like?
7. Mrs. Petty – Third grade teacher because she was.
8. Bruce Funkhouser – Great guy, great name!
9. Bruce Winston Bulls – Grand name for a grand man.
10. Jim Stutzman – Mr. “Stutz” Bearcat, another great car.
11. Hazel Krackow – Was probably Polish.
12. Jay & Harold Wanderman – Twins who finally settled down after many restless years.
13. Jane Yellen – LeeZard’s “Jane’s Addiction;” we were always yellin’ at each other.

14. And, one of LeeZard’s journalistic heroes, Walter Cronkite who, at this point would say:

“….And, that’s the way it is.” (Yes, LeeZard actually met Uncle Walter at a broadcasting convention!)