LFS: The Storyteller

©2009 by LeeZard NAME THAT PRES! Sooner or later the news media hang some kind of nickname or tag on our presidents, sometimes affectionate, sometimes derogatory. We had “Tricky Dick,” for Richard Nixon or, as a former associate of mine (and former network correspondent in the Nixon White House) used to call him privately, “The Trick of the United States.” I loved it. Bill Clinton was (and is) “Bubba;” Reagan, to some, “The Great Communicator” and, of course there’s “Dubya.”  We had “The Father of our Country” and “The Great Emancipator.” Sometimes their initials were so mediagenic, they became the nickname a la FDR, JFK and LBJ. Which begs the question, Whither Obama? LeeZard doesn’t think the initial thing will work here. BO? That just stinks (sorry, couldn’t resist). Gobama? Sounds like a college football cheer. Baracky? Sounds tacky. What do you think? Drop some suggestions and LeeZard will post ‘em. THE FIRST MOTHER-IN-LAW (TFMIL ) LeeZard collects heroes the same way Dubya collec...

©2009 by LeeZard Back by popular demand, our esteemed guest Columnist, Mother Goose! “Fiddle Dee, Fiddle Day, I could not stay away,” she told LeeZard. “There’s just too much going on today.” “And by the way,” she added, “I know what’s troublin’ ya. So let’s spend some time with the letter Dubya.” Tell us how you really feel Mother. --- --- Rub a glug glug, Dick Cheney’s a thug And who else do you think was there? Why, Rumstead and Dubya, Going to war, Based on lies meant to scare ya. Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie, failed Americans and made them cry. When the time came to pay, Georgy Porgy ran away. Little Boy Blue, come, blow your horn! The consitution’s on hold, the war rages on. Where's the congress to balance and check? Under the thumb of the Dubya wreck! Hey, diddle, diddle! It still is a riddle, How Dubya jumped over the moon. For eight long years He laughed at us, While his minions acted like goons. Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and whey. Along came a...

©2009 by LeeZard We are in a recession of nearly historic proportions and something keeps telling me to write about it. The problem is, nothing new comes to mind. Experts and non-experts with far more economic expertise than LeeZard have written ad-nauseum about this sorry state of affairs. I have a solution. I’ve always said “LeeZard has a lyric for everything (usually someone else’s).” Let’s go to work shall we. See how many tunes you can name without looking at the footnotes. ---------------------- 1.  The place I go to draw my pay, Closed the door on me today. Told me just to stay away, And don't come back again. 2.  Project cancelled Tumbling central Red money. 3.  They used to tell me I was building a dream With peace and glory ahead. Why should I be standing in line Just waiting for bread? 4.  Now thems were hard times back in the eighties boy People barely had enough to get by. Oh not me footloose and fancy free There was nothin' to myself I'd deny. But fellas list...

©2009 By LeeZard Many of you might be wondering, “Where have you been, LeeZard?” Many others probably don’t give a damn. Whatever. I have a note from my doctor. It seems my back surgery of November 24, 2008 was merely an appetizer. The gods of back pain were not through with me. About a month after surgery, I made the silly assumption that I’d be able to resume some semblance of a normal life. So, when the Pacific Northwest was hit by a series of uncharacteristic snowstorms that left nearly a foot of white stuff outside Chateau LeeZard, I didn’t hesitate to pick up a snow shovel – and that 50-pound bag of sand. BIG mistake. Two days later, when a car got stuck in a snowdrift outside of The World’s Best Girlfriend’s (TWBGF) house, I likewise dove right in with a snow shovel. Second BIG mistake. Later that evening my back was a little sore. The next morning I was back to big time back pain. To quote my latest hero, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, “Holy crap!” This was different than the pain ...

©2005 by LeeZard NOTE: I wrote this after coming home from the "all-years" reunion for Andrew Jackson High School in Queens, NY. They were closing the high school and replacing it - in the building - with four magnet programs. It was my first ever reunion and it had a profound impact. A shorter version of this essay appeared in New York Newsday. The Corner I didn’t even know I had to get back to The Corner. When I got there, even after more than 30 years, it was as if I’d never left. There has been “a corner” in all our lives—a store or mall; a diner or restaurant; a place for teenagers to go to when there’s nothing to do—or, something terribly important. For me, it was the corner of Francis Lewis and Merrick Boulevards in the Laurelton section of Queens — a convergence of time and place. We met at The Corner after school, after dinner, after a date or after a fight with our parents. When I was a teenager there was a floating, ever changing, always connected grou...

©2009 by LeeZar d Shortly after last year's presidential election, LeeZard wrote the following piece. We should've known we'd be updating it soon. In fact, LeeZard is surprised it's taken this long! So, now, please read the updated edition of "The Stupid Politicians Club (SPC)." ----------- Our Motto Move over Elliott Spitzer and Dubya, The Stupid Politicians Club has a new member. In fact, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich may have already earned his place in the Stupid Politicians Hall of I’ve Been Framed.” Sell Barack Obama’s senate seat? You’ve got to be kidding. We all know that this is the norm in Illinois politics and in other Third World countries but this goes beyond stupid. Well, move over again you guys, your newest member was caught with his member in Argentina. Yes, we are talking about South Carolina's esteemed Republican Governor, Mark Sanford. You could almost mistake Sanford for a Democrat, not for his politics but for his particular SPC ...

©2008 by LeeZard Throughout history writers have been trying to define and analyze love, capture it in words and make us feel it in our hearts. LeeZard thinks he'll take a crack at it. “All You Need is Love” "Can't Buy Me Love" "All My Loving" "And I love Her" "P.S. I Love You" "She Loves You (Yeah Yeah Yeah)" The Beatles Not that I fancy myself an expert; quite the opposite. Remember, this is the guy who spent ages 17-51 in some form of chemically or alcoholically altered state. It is unlikely anything I thought was love was really love. That shit messes up your central nervous system, which is where some of that love resides, I’m sure (see "Chemistry of Love" to the right). So, I’m taking this on as a rookie. Hang on; here we go. Ah, so many kinds of love, so little time. For our purposes, let’s talk of romantic love – the best and the worst kind of love. We’ve all been there; we’ve all felt the joys and the pain. “L...